I Cried, I Studied, I Submitted

Though its been a good amount of time since my last update, I finally got some much needed leeway. I OFFICIALLY submitted my application to the PhD program and I'm excited and beyond nervous at the same time. It is hard to just sit back and wait for that email or piece of mail to tell me what my next 5 years will look like.

But on top of that, I finished my research paper. While it could use some editing, it is all but ready to submit to a journal. I'm not sure if I'm going to send it to a general Public Health journal or to a journal focused on smoking. All I know is that I'm SOOO excited that its FINALLY over.

I literally have been stressing to the point of losing my hair. While not all of it has been work or application related, I was stressed nonetheless. I was wondering if I was ready to take such a large leap so soon after college. I started reading how people took skip years where they traveled and saw the world. I have been working. I love the experience I've gotten but I also wish I'd taken time out to actually done some traveling as well. I still have most of 2014.

I had originally scheduled my GRE for November 23rd and as it got closer, realized just how unprepared I was. So I spent the $50 and pushed it to December 4th. Am I ready for it? No. But this is as close as I'm going to get. I don't want to stress myself more than I have to especially considering that I have horrible test anxiety. I don't do well on standardized tests. I'm surprised I did so well on the SAT to be honest, considering I didn't even study for it. But I will say that I have actually invested in this exam. Between the $600 prep course, 2 GRE test prep books, and an additional GRE math workbook I'm hoping to improve my scores from 2011.

Now is the hard part. Do I write a supplemental statement discussing my medical issues which not only explain my average grades, but also my difficulty with standardized tests? I am an able student. I am a determined person, I just tend to be better when I'm discussing subjects, not being timed during a test. I've gotten a bunch of answers which don't necessary help me. I'm not sure what to do. But I know I'll make the right decision.

Regardless, once my 8am GRE is over with, I will be relieved beyond comprehension and rest for 13 hours. Okay maybe not that long, but I'm sure I will eat the HEARTIEST of breakfasts.

Heres to the future!!

Paulette

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I haven't updated my blog much. The main reason was because I'd given up hope of trying to get my PhD. I was stressed and really thought I couldn't do it. I told my mentor "maybe next year". I walked away from my paper and told myself that maybe grad school wasn't for me anyway. THEN, I couldn't walk away. I watched my interns hard at work on their papers and posters and told myself that if they can do it, so can I (especially considering they are 4 and 5 years younger than me). So I got back on the horse and started on my project, but this time at my pace. I also found out that my alma mater UMBC had a GRE prep course but by the time I was all set to take it, the registration had ended and the class was due to start 3 days from then. I emailed the contact and asked if they had a cancelled spot because I REALLY needed to take this class. Turns out one, yes ONE person had dropped out and I could join. Only problem was it was nearly $600 so I ended up paying for it with my credit card. It was sooo worth it though. I had a great instructor and I got some great instructions that I hope will really give me an edge when I take the test in October.

I had to realize that the title of my blog really does explain this process. Its all a journey. I will have ups and downs but I can't give up just because it gets too hard or I get a little too stressed out. Now my paper has switched gears and has slightly changed but is in essence the same concepts. I still have a lot of studying to do and I registered for a one credit online course.

I'm stable. I'm happy. As hard is it is to believe, I feel normal and that feels weird. I told my therapist last week, "so this must be what normal people feel like all the time." I'm excited and scared but extremely determined. I have people surrounding me, telling me that I can do this. I'm not worried about letting them down. I'm worried about half-assing. I WANT to do my very best. If I don't get in, well then at least I know that I did the best I could. It sounds cliche, but honestly it really is a good way to deal with that type of disappointment.

On top of all that, I've given up red meat. I did slip up twice. I ordered pasta from Panera and forgot that it was a meat sauce. Then I went to a party a little over a week later and had jerk and curry chicken. It smelled so good I was already biting into it before I remembered I wasn't supposed to. I mean who wouldn't want authentic jamaican food from an actuall jamaican? I really wasn't going to say no to that. LOL. Then yesterday I had 3 pieces of bacon in my breakfast combo from Silver Diner. I honestly didn't like it as much as I thought I would. I could've stopped at half a piece. It just seemed so salty. Red meat actually tastes weird to me now. So I figured having some one every week or every other week shouldn't be too bad but I'm actually really content without them. I have actually started eating fish more than I ever have and all is well. I'm liking this new lifestyle. I won't call it a diet considering it just a new way of life.

The hardest thing is eating out. I realized that I was quick to get burgers and chicken before. I spent the majority of my income on food. Now, I'm cooking at home, bringing my lunch, and can hardly find fast food meatless options I like so I'm saving money. I feel like I should've done this sooner. We'll see how I feel a couple months from now.

Mini Update

So far it has been a whirlwind couple of weeks.

I finished a epidemiology course where we learned how to use GIS (geospatial) software to map different health issues like Malaria in Honduras or access to health centers in a Mexican county. It was really exciting and I COULD potentially work on a project in October *fingers crossed*.

I am steadily working on my research paper and currently working on my analysis and organizing my tables for my presentation. This is on top of my full time job.

I also found out my Alma Mater has a great GRE prep course and although the registration and class were closed/full I emailed them and left messages. I was told today that there was a cancellation. YAY! So Monday I will start my GRE prep course and hopefully can dramatically improve my GRE score.

I'm still looking for an apartment but nothing yet in my price range that is in a decent neighborhood. It really shouldn't be this hard, but it is.

Other than that, I'm just ready for this entire application process to be over. I still have to write my personal statement and get one of my professors to write a recommendation. I will email two of my professors in August before school starts. They both teach summer courses, so I don't want to put too much on them too early.

I would hate to go through this for Med School. That seems like its even more stressful then just a regular PhD.

Ready....Set.......

Today was one of those days that was originally set to be a GO GO GO day. I had meetings set up, papers and analysis to do, and just general daily job tasks. But, today turned in to a very slow and unproductive day, which means using sick hours. I had a specialist appointment with a GI doctor. He told me I may have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) but wants to schedule a colonoscopy anyway to ensure there is nothing else as well as a blood test before hand. My dad was not so happy to hear that information, my mom is used to my issues and was like "oh well that sucks" and well my boss is just happy that hopefully I'll get some answers soon.

In terms of my paper, I am on the fast track now. I was worried that maybe I wasn't ready but after talking to some people I had to realize I spend WAY too much time in my head (or what I call Negativetown: The Vast Wasteland Abyss). I am trying to stay focused and positive. Lets see how long that lasts.

In POSITIVE news, I do enjoy the new summer interns we have in the office. Its weird being so much older but they get my weird humor. I don't feel so out of place like I did with my original coworker, though I enjoyed them as well. I think I was intimidated because they were so much ahead of me. The environment is just different. But I do miss my old coworkers. Also, on Thursday, I will be looking at houses near campus. They have a Live Near Your Work program where they give out grants to full time employees who buy homes in various areas around the University or Hospital. I'm hoping to take advantage of it before I (potentially) start school. *crosses fingers* But in the meantime I'm looking for an apartment to move into. I need my own space and its just time. If only it weren't so stressful. Someone HELP!

Research Questions Make My Head Hurt

So yeah today was surprisingly humbling. Being in a room full of interns that are at least 4 years younger than me and far more prepared then me, was scary to say the least. I really hadn't formed my question well, though I did have a decent literature review.

Luckily, I was able to work with my mentor/adviser/new best bud Caryn who is already in the program. She gave me some pointers and she helped walk me through my thought process in order to better come up with my question. I was honestly having a hard time with working through it through email. So it was good actually talking with her.

Part of me feels like maybe I should wait another year after this experience but it was all constructive criticism that was necessary. I surprisingly took it a lot better than I thought, probably because I already knew how ill prepared I was.

I will say I am EXTREMELY proud of the interns for their level of preparedness and I can't wait to see what they do with their topics.

Top things I learned today:

1. Do not take criticism personally. They are there to help you.
2. Practice makes perfect. Being told the majority of your life what to write makes coming up with your own topic that much harder.
3. Never buy school food. Why exactly did I spend 3.25 on a bag of gummy bears and 2.75 for a PB&J sandwich?
4. Make eye contact! I'm getting to the point where I'm really struggling with this when conveying my message. I have to look people in the face more when I am talking instead of only when they are talking.
5. Getting free things is fun. Thank you Panera for the free smoothie.

Tomorrow is another day!

Tomorrow I officially start my research paper. I have a question, dataset and literature review but tomorrow we work on some of the statistical analysis and hashing out our topics. I'm nervous. I am not only the oldest but will be the only person who will be submitting my paper. I am also the only full time employee. The others are summer interns who will be turning their topics into posters that they will need to present.

Luckily, I already have experience with STATA so that should cut out some of the "wasted" time learning a new program. The only problem is that doing this paper is on top of my full time job and studying for the GRE again. I'm so NOT excited about that.

Pray for me. LOL