Rejection and Heart Break

I started the blog with the intention of chronicling my journal to trying to get into the PhD program at Hopkins but I've honestly never been very good at keeping up with non-work/school related hobbies. So things like blogs and journals always fall to the wayside while I attend to other things. Maybe if I had kept up at it, I wouldn't feel how I currently do.

I checked that site everyday (usually multiple times a day) literally all of February. Then on the 19th I was rejected. It wasn't even a full paragraph. Everyone was so convinced I'd get it. I knew my grades and GRE weren't good enough. But the networking, recommendations, and job experience was supposed to help. I was supposed to be that person that got in not due to standardized scores but because of work ethic and displays that I could handle the stresses of a PhD. Apparently, those decimals and 3 digit scores are more important. Maybe I just wasn't a good fit. Regardless, I'll never know as they never tell you why you didn't get in.

So now I have a facebook and family full of people telling me not to give up and to just go to plan B. But that WAS my plan B. I have 8 weeks before I'm jobless and now no grad school. I honestly have never felt more lost than when I was diagnosed Bipolar when I was 19.

It has literally taken me 3 or 4 days to actually cry. I hate change. I mean it throws me off. Now I'm completely thrown for a loop. What am I supposed to do now? I stopped going to church. I stopped doing fellowship activities. I started to blame myself for not being in church enough. Like this was God getting back at me. But that doesn't make sense.

I don't know if its the rejection or the job loss that is bothering me most. Maybe its that I'm in debt and I won't know how to pay for it. Maybe its that I hate this damn winter weather. Maybe its just a combination of personal problems that seem to crop up once or twice a year. 2014 has legitimately been the worst year of my life since 2008 and 2009.  I haven't felt this low in so long, I forgot how engulfing it is.

I lose my Hopkins insurance at the end of the month. Of course it would be in the shortest month of the year. Part of me just wants to get officially laid off and claim unemployment and just take a break for awhile. But I can't do that. I don't know how to give up responsibilities when people are relying on me. I want to bad to just wallow in my sorrow. But then who would be there to help my boss? Once again putting others before myself is probably the only reason why I don't go into the deepest part of the depressive abyss.

This is be my last post. There is literally no more journey. This wasn't a good ride. This isn't something I'd suggest to others. I would not do this again and I refuse to apply for another graduate program. Not because I think I'll be rejected. But because I no longer have the desire. Why is it so hard to want to continue educating yourself and trying to better yourself? Why does everything have to be a business?

Done.

When it Rains....its a Torrential Downpour

It is officially one of those weeks. On Monday my old boss told me that he was going to extend my leave without pay an additional 6 months. I told him it wasn't necessary but he did it anyway. Well on Wednesday at 2:30, I went to a meeting and was told I was being laid off. Due to issues with our grants and limited budget, my position was no longer available. I laughed it off, knowing it was always a possibility and knowing I had a backup.

My direct supervisor was my first call before I even called my family and I could sense the anger and pain she felt. I think she is taking it the hardest. It wasn't until last night when I realized that I wouldn't have insurance and that it would be difficult to afford my medication, that I began to get worried.

But all of this has magnified now that there is a possibility that even my backup at the government isn't a guarantee. Its amazing how so much stuff can pile up on you with such little notice. My birthday is the 22nd and I have repairs for my car and my brother was hoping we could go on a family trip to Miami for my dad's birthday. I just feel pretty overwhelmed at the moment.

Everyone keeps assuring me that because I'm smart and have experience, I should be able to find a job before long. I still have a month. But the way that I see it, there is no guarantee that I'll have anything. I'm not sure how to feel about that but I know that I don't like it.

Post Submission, All Holiday, New Years Resolutions

Its that weird time between Christmas and New Years where I am the most unproductive of the year. I'm pretty sure I've slept an average of 12 hours a day since last Friday. I have NO idea why I am so exhausted considering I have done NOTHING. Since my application has gone in, the monkey on my back jumped off and went back into the jungle. Now is just the wait it out.

My Christmas was fairly uneventful and I enjoyed the time with my family. In the past I'd prefer to be at home in my room on the internet but this year it was different. I was happy to get everyone their gifts and spend time with them. I think as we've all gotten older we like each other more LOL. We've all grown so it is a good thing.

As for my New Year Resolutions, its basically the same thing every year. But I will say there are a lot more adult resolutions this year. Besides wanting to lose weight, I'd really like to officially set up my 403b account. I don't know why I've waiting this long to contribute towards my retirement but I will do that once I'm back in the office. I also hope to join the gym at work. No more excuses. I'd like to pay off all my debts (with the exception of my student loans) and really kick my savings into high gear. I would also like to move out of my mom's house by the end of the year. These seem like simple resolutions, but I know its going to take a lot of work on my part. While I'm quick to start things, I end to quit fairly quickly. I'm really hoping 2014 will be different.

Besides that, I just want to get more involved at church and be more optimistic. I think I'm in my head way too much. Sometimes I need to remember that I can't control everything and that is okay. Not everything is going to go the way I want and that is okay as well. I should only focus on the things that I can change.

I will say that while 2013 had its ups and downs, its been a great year. I'm really excited for 2014 and wish everyone a Happy New Year.

The Waiting Game Has Begun

So the deadline for the PhD program was December 1st and then all the supplemental documents needed to be in by December 16th. I have literally EVERYTHING in. I'm stressed though. I mean there is a weight off my back now that I am no longer trying to put the application together and study for the GRE, but now I'm anxious. I mean I almost had a panic attack the other day and really started to doubt myself yesterday.

I started to wonder if I was worthy of getting into the program. I mean if you look at my average GPA and my below average GRE scores, I really don't seem like a good candidate at all. I have the connections, good work experience, and great recommendations, but academically I haven't really proven I'm a good candidate. And there is where the problem is. Are they willing to accept me based on my work, skills, and network over my grades and test scores? How good of a candidate am I compared to the others that are applying?

I put a lot of money into this application. I put all my eggs into one basket. I know you are supposed to apply to multiple schools but honestly, I didn't want to. I know people in the department I want to go to, I've worked with some of them before, and I literally work 3 floors below them everyday. But that doesn't change the fact that I should have applied to other schools through SOPHAS. In the very least, applied to a master's program.

I'm bad at waiting. My current academic mentor, Caryn, who is currently in program said it would be around February before I found out whether I got in or not. OMG FEBRUARY?!?! Its bad enough I have been waiting since about May to start working on the application and my research paper, now I have to wait until February to even see if it paid off?

I think I'm just overreacting. I think the best part of the process is reading my recommendation letters. Well I read 2 of the 3. I legit almost cried. My boss Cheri and my previous/current boss Derrick both wrote amazing letters for me. I think it all overwhelmed me because I didn't realized how far I'd come. I didn't realize how much they valued me and I surely didn't realize how much they believed in me. Its one thing to hear it which I was lucky enough to get constant feedback from them and its another for them to tell complete strangers about how awesome I am. I think it also reminded me about just how much they mean to me. They have both been so influential in my life. They have both mentored me and given me advice and support that I will cherish forever. I really can't even put into words how much leeway they gave me. I was sure they'd both fire me multiple times, but they gave me proper feedback and more chances than I can count. They are both amazing. I love them like family. They feel like secondary parents. They both treat me like I'm their child.

Either way, I think I just need to occupy myself and stop being so hard on myself. There are people out there that believe in me and that is honestly all that matters. LETS DO THIS!!

I Cried, I Studied, I Submitted

Though its been a good amount of time since my last update, I finally got some much needed leeway. I OFFICIALLY submitted my application to the PhD program and I'm excited and beyond nervous at the same time. It is hard to just sit back and wait for that email or piece of mail to tell me what my next 5 years will look like.

But on top of that, I finished my research paper. While it could use some editing, it is all but ready to submit to a journal. I'm not sure if I'm going to send it to a general Public Health journal or to a journal focused on smoking. All I know is that I'm SOOO excited that its FINALLY over.

I literally have been stressing to the point of losing my hair. While not all of it has been work or application related, I was stressed nonetheless. I was wondering if I was ready to take such a large leap so soon after college. I started reading how people took skip years where they traveled and saw the world. I have been working. I love the experience I've gotten but I also wish I'd taken time out to actually done some traveling as well. I still have most of 2014.

I had originally scheduled my GRE for November 23rd and as it got closer, realized just how unprepared I was. So I spent the $50 and pushed it to December 4th. Am I ready for it? No. But this is as close as I'm going to get. I don't want to stress myself more than I have to especially considering that I have horrible test anxiety. I don't do well on standardized tests. I'm surprised I did so well on the SAT to be honest, considering I didn't even study for it. But I will say that I have actually invested in this exam. Between the $600 prep course, 2 GRE test prep books, and an additional GRE math workbook I'm hoping to improve my scores from 2011.

Now is the hard part. Do I write a supplemental statement discussing my medical issues which not only explain my average grades, but also my difficulty with standardized tests? I am an able student. I am a determined person, I just tend to be better when I'm discussing subjects, not being timed during a test. I've gotten a bunch of answers which don't necessary help me. I'm not sure what to do. But I know I'll make the right decision.

Regardless, once my 8am GRE is over with, I will be relieved beyond comprehension and rest for 13 hours. Okay maybe not that long, but I'm sure I will eat the HEARTIEST of breakfasts.

Heres to the future!!

Paulette

Mini Mentorship

Today was the 6th Annual Vaccine Day at JHSPH and every year for the last couple years one of my previous professors has taken her Global Health students to meet some people at Hopkins (like Marie Diener West and various faculty in the nutrition department) as well as sit on the Vaccine Day lecture. I went last year when I was her student and Dr. Bill Foege was the speaker. This year it was Dr. Bruce Alyward. He talked about the global Polio eradication program where he is the World Health Organization Assistant Director of General Polio, Emergencies and Country Collaboration. It was a great talk.

Before the actual program, my former professor took the students on a tour of the Bloomberg building and took them to the outdoor terrace area where they could see the city and I took the time to introduce myself and explain a bit of what I do as well as some of the history of Hopkins and the East Baltimore community.

As we got ready for the event and a good amount afterwards, I helped field questions. They really wanted to know how I got my job and how they could get an internship or apply for Hopkins for grad school. It was great being able to give them advice.

I honestly never thought I would be one of those people but I really felt good trying to give them advice that I didn't have at their age. A good number of them had minors or were double majoring so they were definitely more ambitious than I was. I tried to give them practical advice and not the same regurgitated advice that everyone gives. I really felt like I was personally invested in them and honestly it was the first time I'd ever met them (except one of my summer interns).

I think it really reiterated my goal to eventually teach healthcare at the college level. I just feel such a connection with them. I think a lot of it is also that I was in school not that long ago. I've only been out of college for a little under a year so often times I feel like I haven't really left.

I can't wait to really give back. I sadly haven't been able to get my schedule together to volunteer and stuff like I'd like but hopefully I can help more students. I really hope that they can use my advice and do it 100 times better. Its a great feeling helping others to go down the path to reach their goals. 

I know I'm going to get a bunch of emails once my old professor gives them my contact information. So much happened I haven't really taken it all in yet. All I know is my voice is horse and I'm exhausted. But its a good exhausted. I can't wait to be able to do this full time one day.

Hindsight Really Is 20/20

Today I was given permission by my boss to go to my old job at the USDA in order to get a new badge. I am on extended leave without pay currently. I have two admin. that I love that I helped train before I started working at Hopkins. I didn't always have the answers but I tried to the best of my abilities. There was a lot of just giving them the names and numbers of people that I knew could help better than I could. I enjoyed spending time with them today.

But, it was weird seeing how much the office has changed...and hasn't changed at all. The political, catty, depressing nature was still there. The internal fighting and unnecessary backstabbing was seemingly present as well. That is one of the major reasons I don't miss the government. The stress they fell everyday coming to work was how I felt in my last few months there. I was ready to leave. I was ready to never work for the government again. While there are people there that I love and can honestly call lifelong friends, there were also people that seemed as if their sole purpose was to make work miserable.

There were times when I questioned whether I should have taken my current job, considering the pay is small in comparison to a government job I could've gotten with my degree. But my job is where I feel comfortable. I am surrounded by people that I enjoy their company and they enjoy mine. They respect my opinions and they are eager to offer help/mentorship. I feel like I am growing as a health professional at my job. I also know that it has helped give me the opportunity to do what I've always wanted and thats go to graduate school.

I now see that I made the right decision. I left a place where I potentially could have made more money but I wouldn't have been happy. All the stress of wondering if I made the right decision is mute. The grass isn't always greener but in this case, this side sure is nice and green.

I spent the majority of 2013 stressed over finances, student loans, moving out of my mother's house, my health and my relationship with my boyfriend. I spent a lot of time in "what-if" land. I don't have time for what-if land. I have to just make things happen. Hindsight is 20/20 for a reason. I can play what-if and never get anywhere or I can acknowledge it, change it, and move on. Ultimately, it's about growing as a person.

I really hope the environment of my old office changes. I really think that more could get done and people would be happier. But for the time being, I'm going to continue to be grateful for being where I am. My boss saw something in me that I didn't know that I had.