Sunday, February 23, 2014

Rejection and Heart Break

I started the blog with the intention of chronicling my journal to trying to get into the PhD program at Hopkins but I've honestly never been very good at keeping up with non-work/school related hobbies. So things like blogs and journals always fall to the wayside while I attend to other things. Maybe if I had kept up at it, I wouldn't feel how I currently do.

I checked that site everyday (usually multiple times a day) literally all of February. Then on the 19th I was rejected. It wasn't even a full paragraph. Everyone was so convinced I'd get it. I knew my grades and GRE weren't good enough. But the networking, recommendations, and job experience was supposed to help. I was supposed to be that person that got in not due to standardized scores but because of work ethic and displays that I could handle the stresses of a PhD. Apparently, those decimals and 3 digit scores are more important. Maybe I just wasn't a good fit. Regardless, I'll never know as they never tell you why you didn't get in.

So now I have a facebook and family full of people telling me not to give up and to just go to plan B. But that WAS my plan B. I have 8 weeks before I'm jobless and now no grad school. I honestly have never felt more lost than when I was diagnosed Bipolar when I was 19.

It has literally taken me 3 or 4 days to actually cry. I hate change. I mean it throws me off. Now I'm completely thrown for a loop. What am I supposed to do now? I stopped going to church. I stopped doing fellowship activities. I started to blame myself for not being in church enough. Like this was God getting back at me. But that doesn't make sense.

I don't know if its the rejection or the job loss that is bothering me most. Maybe its that I'm in debt and I won't know how to pay for it. Maybe its that I hate this damn winter weather. Maybe its just a combination of personal problems that seem to crop up once or twice a year. 2014 has legitimately been the worst year of my life since 2008 and 2009.  I haven't felt this low in so long, I forgot how engulfing it is.

I lose my Hopkins insurance at the end of the month. Of course it would be in the shortest month of the year. Part of me just wants to get officially laid off and claim unemployment and just take a break for awhile. But I can't do that. I don't know how to give up responsibilities when people are relying on me. I want to bad to just wallow in my sorrow. But then who would be there to help my boss? Once again putting others before myself is probably the only reason why I don't go into the deepest part of the depressive abyss.

This is be my last post. There is literally no more journey. This wasn't a good ride. This isn't something I'd suggest to others. I would not do this again and I refuse to apply for another graduate program. Not because I think I'll be rejected. But because I no longer have the desire. Why is it so hard to want to continue educating yourself and trying to better yourself? Why does everything have to be a business?