I haven't updated my blog much. The main reason was because I'd given up hope of trying to get my PhD. I was stressed and really thought I couldn't do it. I told my mentor "maybe next year". I walked away from my paper and told myself that maybe grad school wasn't for me anyway. THEN, I couldn't walk away. I watched my interns hard at work on their papers and posters and told myself that if they can do it, so can I (especially considering they are 4 and 5 years younger than me). So I got back on the horse and started on my project, but this time at my pace. I also found out that my alma mater UMBC had a GRE prep course but by the time I was all set to take it, the registration had ended and the class was due to start 3 days from then. I emailed the contact and asked if they had a cancelled spot because I REALLY needed to take this class. Turns out one, yes ONE person had dropped out and I could join. Only problem was it was nearly $600 so I ended up paying for it with my credit card. It was sooo worth it though. I had a great instructor and I got some great instructions that I hope will really give me an edge when I take the test in October.
I had to realize that the title of my blog really does explain this process. Its all a journey. I will have ups and downs but I can't give up just because it gets too hard or I get a little too stressed out. Now my paper has switched gears and has slightly changed but is in essence the same concepts. I still have a lot of studying to do and I registered for a one credit online course.
I'm stable. I'm happy. As hard is it is to believe, I feel normal and that feels weird. I told my therapist last week, "so this must be what normal people feel like all the time." I'm excited and scared but extremely determined. I have people surrounding me, telling me that I can do this. I'm not worried about letting them down. I'm worried about half-assing. I WANT to do my very best. If I don't get in, well then at least I know that I did the best I could. It sounds cliche, but honestly it really is a good way to deal with that type of disappointment.
On top of all that, I've given up red meat. I did slip up twice. I ordered pasta from Panera and forgot that it was a meat sauce. Then I went to a party a little over a week later and had jerk and curry chicken. It smelled so good I was already biting into it before I remembered I wasn't supposed to. I mean who wouldn't want authentic jamaican food from an actuall jamaican? I really wasn't going to say no to that. LOL. Then yesterday I had 3 pieces of bacon in my breakfast combo from Silver Diner. I honestly didn't like it as much as I thought I would. I could've stopped at half a piece. It just seemed so salty. Red meat actually tastes weird to me now. So I figured having some one every week or every other week shouldn't be too bad but I'm actually really content without them. I have actually started eating fish more than I ever have and all is well. I'm liking this new lifestyle. I won't call it a diet considering it just a new way of life.
The hardest thing is eating out. I realized that I was quick to get burgers and chicken before. I spent the majority of my income on food. Now, I'm cooking at home, bringing my lunch, and can hardly find fast food meatless options I like so I'm saving money. I feel like I should've done this sooner. We'll see how I feel a couple months from now.
